It's been three and a half years since I last posted anything on this failed experiment of a blog I started about the same time as the movie review blog (which was also abandoned for a time, but my heart is finally getting back into the groove there). This was supposed to be a place where I posted observations and analysis of the world in general. Complain and bitch, pretty much. It's a fact of life that this is what these things are for. I apologize to the few of you that actually stumbled upon this, probably in the wee hours of the morning.
The last time I posted anything on here was in July of 2011. I was married with a son and sitting in my home, probably killing time. I'm going to play Mr. Obvious and say that it was hot out. Today is January 4th, 2015. It's cold as hell out, though there's no snow on the ground. It has been flurrying, if that even constitutes a word. How cares, abbreviations are the new world order. Didn't u get da memo?
As of right now I'm married, with a son and a daughter on the way, sitting in my wife's office typing this as a way to kill time. Nope, it's not the same wife, but I did manage to keep the house. As I look back on the days since I posted about heat it amazes me how much has changed in the last three and a half years. Sitting here right now I can inform you that I have no idea what's going to happen three years from now.
Life kicked me quite forcefully and squarely right in the balls. When your nuts are being crushed by nature or karma or whatever you always wonder what you did to deserve this. Why, oh god, why? I don't need this! I thought I was good and my life was happy. Now it was slowly being torn apart. I was beaten. I was broken. I was finished. There was nothing left.
We're coming up on the third anniversary of that day when I tried to suck on an exhaust pipe and take the cosmic plunge (the derelict wouldn't start). That was the first day I hit rock bottom. I would hit it two more times before the summer was over, once ending up in a jail cell overnight. That was the summer from hell. I was used and I was broken, but when you're in the middle of that situation you can't see things the same way you did when it's in the aftermath. You don't have experienced eyes at that point.
So as I sit in this office I can say that I'm at my happiness place since in 20 years, since I was a young man. It's a pleasant feeling, yet I'm unnerved that I've spent over half of my life not being happy. There were happy moments, but there was always a layer of dread in them. I still get that feeling, but it comes from the almighty dollar and wondering if I'm going to have the house finished in time for our little girl. That shit passes. This never did.
There's very little that haunts me about that summer now. It's over and I once again came out smelling like a rose, which is what I've been told is my forte. I have issue with how many son was pulled into The Mess of 2012, which shouldn't have happened, but that's the cross for someone else to bear. Mine is for almost throwing it all away over what amounted to very little because it had been trashed over the years. I would have never seen my son play basketball, become a creative smart ass, become a man, get married, be better than his father. I would have never met my wife, the archivist of Monty Python and Mel Brooks who I fell in love with that Christmas and continue to fall for everyday. Of course that would mean that little girl wouldn't be here either.
Those thoughts are what get to me. The big "What if...?" like the old Marvel comic book. Sometimes I can't handle thinking about the "what if". I know it's pointless now, but every once in a while I'm pulled back to it and beat myself up for about five minutes. Then I turn it around to the idea that, and I'm quoting Terminator 2, every day is now a gift. Don't waste it.
I'm sorry to get sappy as hell, but that's the story. I guess you can call this my excuse note for not posting anything during the last three years. I hope all is forgiven. Even though I'm sure you're just stumbling on this in the wee hours of the morning, I hope it's enjoyable and entertaining. Sometimes I need something constructive to do.
Aloha.
