Depression Is A Bitch

Such a bold statement to throw out there for a blog post, but it's a fact jack. It's a hovering spectre that comes and goes, waiting to make an appearance when everything lines up correctly.

You can almost equate it to the tides, the effects of the moon, Haley's comet, and other celestial events that we have no control over. Have a stressful situation? Here comes depression. Conversation with someone that pushes the right buttons? How about a dose of depression to go along with that? Major change in your life, good or bad? Depression. I've had all of these happen. Depression rolls up the drive, walks in the house and tells you, begs you, orders you to go to bed. Hide away in that safety. It's like a strain of virus that makes you feel like you have been hit with a bit of the flu, but the only symptoms settle in your mind. Sleep is your only escape. Fuck it, life is just going to take another bite out of you anyway.

Guilt is what I get out of depression. What happens is that depression makes me want to isolate myself from my life. The thing is that I love my life. My family is my life. I want to be there and be present for them. An active contributor to our little commune. The thing is that when depression hits town it acts as a wall keeping me from that which I love. Sometimes I'm able to swallow that feeling and live and sometimes I succumb to the way it melts away the things I should care about and puts my focus on the bullshit. You fall for its graces and it leads down the road. You become almost like a disciple to it. It haunts your life because it never really goes away. And when you're laying there, isolated and doing what it told you to do you get to think about how horrible you are for isolating yourself. It's a no win.

I'm not here to preach and I'm not here for pity. I am writing this for purely selfish reasons. I have a need to spill these feelings out in a tangible form for me to digest and maybe get a little something out of it. My own personal therapy perhaps? I don't know why, but it feels good to write this out in my own hand and then typing it again to see if I feel the same when I enter it digitally. Hopefully, having this sitting there as a document will allow me to look at the big picture as opposed to being held down by this anchor. It's hard to accept anything when you're in that moment. For the people that love you it's a helpless feeling because they can't break through the wall of isolation that surrounds you.

I've been very lax in posting on this blog. I've been active with movie reviews on the sister blog, but not like I was before I really went down hill about five years ago. My goal is to post here at least once a week starting now, even if it's random bullshit (and it probably will be). I also plan on posting more regular reviews on the movie blog along with other projects I've started for myself. Keeping busy tends to keep those feelings that drag me down at bay, so that's what I plan on doing.

So yes, this is going to be a very selfish endeavor, but sometimes you have to be selfish for your own good.

Aloha.